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it has been a while since I updated this space, Honestly, I have almost forgotten this space as a whole...people who want to know more about my current life and thoughts, please go to this space :
Current Space Address:
OT again...changed my MSN name into OT --> Obviously Talent?....lol. when I was trying to persuade myself that what I m doing right now will benefit my whole entire life. It didn’t really blow my confidence but only more pressures!
The probation period has gone finally in this month. I kindly reviewed the binders I stored besides my desk. Counting…25 in total! Tears coming down from my eyes, not because of the sorrow deep in my heart, but truly due to the pain. My eyes are so hurt after staring at the screen for over 12 hours everyday. Today, I am not free to chat everyone, I rejected every single dating proposal even tough the counter-party is such an attractive wonderful guy. I go outside with my fellows during weekend, no where else but only to the club. Dancing becomes even more important for me nowadays. Late night, we can scream to death, we can dress up sexy, after all, we can get ourselves wet in the darkness. Dancing…release all of the pressure steam cumulated in my brain. I would have blow out, if I didn’t have the chance to let them out..
People come into my life and then vanish in the blurring frog daily. I have kind of getting used to this dramatic alternation even though I should not have been doing so. Relationship is the untouchable critical hit issue considered so seriously by gals like us. My super baby dandan is so down today just because of some stupid ASS who wants more physical benefit from her rather than contributing any true love for her. I was so pissed off by this block. On another point, all men should be the same. Even back on me, how many men have been truly loving me without lying to me. Maybe I shouldn’t even complain. I lie as well! Lie …. Lol….must be the most incredible feature of love.
This Sunday, I gonna fly to Qingdao for DD report of a merge project again. I was talking about going for business trip out of Beijing for a while, however, it didn’t really come into the reality due to too many unanticipated hindrances. But now, this Sunday, I might have the chance to escape from the mess. Beijing is still frizzing, I guess qingdao wouldn’t be better. However, for me, another complete strange place could be the sunshine beach for me.
Piece of cake…getting use to OT all the time beyond 9pm. The life continues ilke this, and me as well. One day, I am afraid when I turn around and take a glance, I might regret how many sightseeing I missed on the way to work, how many precious potential relationship I have given away even though I really did have a chance to contribute. Promptly, I have contributed myself into my work. And what did I get for return? Maybe nothing… and maybe that is the reason why I kept wondering around, and feel really lost… tomorrow, when I wake up again. Who will be the one make up the bed, cook the breakfast, and kiss me goodbye for work. Somehow, I start feeling like marrying…but…the stupid point is…who will be the one for me…Bitch never deserve a good man. I confess….
 I spent my Chinese New Year Eve on the aircraft, by watching those fireworks shinging in the sky. The whole city was covered by the flashy fireworks exploding in the sky..It was so beautiful, beautiful enough to make me burst to tears. The day I arrived at home, is the day I finished my Dog year finally. Bad Luck gone? I wish so...Many days I have been waiting for the fascinating chinese new year to spend the holiday with my parents without any work load stress on my mind.
I left Beijing, I came back and I saw my sisters, my ex-bf, my best friend, and rui rui. I feel quite different this time, It has changed, I mean maybe I have changed. I feel lazy to entertain people around who I care about all the time, I feel lazy to smile to others even though I should have done. I feel lazy to go out with friends no matter how attractive the event gonna be. I feel so down even though everything seems go on smoothly at the end of my DOG year.
It gonna be different this year, is it? Him went to Japan with his parents again. suddently, he stops calling me for several days. It feels wired anyway. Even though we had broken up with each other ages ago. He kept calling me almost everyday, no matter where he is, even after he went back to HK. I feel almost the same, as we are still stick together. Valentine's day, I got his roses. It was the first time he bought me roses on the valentine's day. lol...even after we broke up. It feels very warm and sweet. I received several bunches of roses on the valentine's day, and even the chocolate. lol. Things are strange, I still feel like I did get nothing at all.
Maybe the inside loneliness is making myself confused all the time. I feel like I need someone, however, I really don't know who I should have run to at the end. Maybe I still enjoy the single status, or maybe I never really loved this status. I want to be protected, and the fear of being alone is so enomrous to bear with. I am getting really tired now. By getting home alone, facing to the wall by myself, listening to the sorrow music, watching the drama without sharing any affection, hehe.....Damn, I am promoting independence all the time, and I feel like now I am betraying myself in principle cause I never be able to manage being alone by myself.
Ok, I am heading back to Beijing tomorrow by myself again. After a long or kinda long vacation back home, I need to go back to my work again......Right, things have to continue, and my love as well...Who gonna be the MR. RIGHT for me. where did I go right? What I have done is wrong? ...I am waiting for the answer ...Who will tell me....
 
Truth behind Valentines
The primary motive behind Valentines is money. And plenty of it! Hallmark is cleverly cashing in on the sales of Valentines Day greeting cards. The same with people who sell flowers, Candy and cute cuddly bears. They all do this under the guise of something called Love.
They do this while making single people feel sad, degrading them. Society forces you to feel inadequate and less of a person because you are not involved in a "relationship". They alienate you because you choose to be celibate. They ostracize you because you are content with a romantic less relationship. They surround you with sickening displays of kissing, cupids, hearts, and public displays of affection until it forces you to puke!
Valentines has a bad effect on the general population of the human race. For example, instead of pleasantly surprising someone you care. People now expect gifts to be exchanged in a Valentine's ritual. Giving gifts to make someone feel special should have personal motives (motives of honestly trying to make that person feel good) not a ritual because society and people around you expect it.
When it comes down to it Valentines is a overrated capitalistic invention by Hallmark to make money with sick side affects of lowering self-esteem of many individuals.
The excess baggage that is attached with Love.
- Compromising one self ***
- We are weakened by relying on another person.
- Losing ones creative edge.
- Consuming - Takes over ones life.
- Smothers out happiness and creativity.
- Lowers a person and their potential.
- Lowering of ones funds.
- Basic complications related to relationships period!
How many times have you wanted to hang out with your friend only to find out that they HAVE to spend time with their lover?
What you can do on Valentines.
Short Term strategies:
- Three words ... get pissed drunk. Getting drunk is an easy way to make valentines tolerable.
- Dress in all black. Don't dress like a bum wear nice clothe
- Make an Anti-Valentines page of your own. Flood the network with anti-valentines!
- Stop and tell the people who are kissing, hugging on the streets to go get a room you are making me sick!
- Preach the word of L.I.E.!
- Hold an Anti-Valentines day party
Long term strategies:
- Make many quality friends as possible. This way you won't be alone
- be honest to your self
- be honest to others do not play the ritualistic games (for example I am usually very direct).
- honestly care about people
- Ally your self with others like you to fight evil
  
In conclusion:
We love because we are trained to love we are trained to think in ways, which make us dishonest and evil. We do horrid things to people in the name of love and we hurt many by playing these elaborate ritualistic games. Couples in relationships get into hypocritical habits of saying "I love you" no instead maybe they should say I will not always love you, because love will die and so will you! (Why do we have such a high rate of divorces when love is so bonding?) By nature humans are unfaithful. Fighting this, throw off the chains would mean defying the unwritten rules of our society. It would mean being alienated and alone on Valentines Day.
I am not an advocator of hate. Or even HATE LOVE. I do love the love you have for friends, pets, god and family. This love is stronger, stable and many times more honest then romantic love. It is often referred to as brotherly love.
How I came to this conclusion:
After years of living in a daze and feeling lost and disconnected I came to realize the blessing of my once sheltered life. Coming to college and being exposed to people/life I had to cope, understand and finally accept the world I live in. It saddened me to realize the truth, I thought for sure there was something more to this world then this shit-hole I'm living in. So right now I'm just trying to focus on getting by. Focusing on trying to live my life and trying to understand with how this big world can make One feel so small.
 Well, I have to confess that the whole training is not that difficult as what I thought. The environment is much more friendly than 'supposed to be', and surely, I need to pay attention to every single word the director said cause it is actually one to one training. The training starts from 9am till 6pm. none stop~ quite intensive, but I am still fine with it. Apart from the salary, the most interesting thing happened in the firm is the seating plan available online. I heard that I was assigned to another partner of the firm rather than Mr.Zeng. I thought I would have associated with him since I had my interview with him already. I have so much to learn about the foreign investment. FDI is the department that I have been dreaming to be involved for so long. King & Wood is quite good. I mean the whole management system and the human resource development department shows that. The more I get know about this firm, the more I love my job! I am sure I will dedicate most of my energy into my job, and I will do my best! No holiday doesnt hurt~~~No entertainment doesn't kill... I just want to do something to amaze myself, to prove my capability, of course, to learn much more from the reality, from practice....GO go gO.....KOKO....
King&Wood, no matter which law firm I am working for, I know I will always try my best, because I love my job! Another day in Beijing....Still Cold, but I feel much better....Something has changed in my life...the goal I am aiming at becomes clear through the fog. Beijing is not that bad, is it? Even though it is not that familiar to me, even though Him will not be here in a few days. This will still be my country....And I am fit for the place full of challenges and herds..I am..
Missing those friends in U.K. I hope they are all good now....I can't call them everyday, but I do miss those days I spent my spare time with them no matter clubbing, eating, or hanging out...When you start working, you might not be able to enjoy the easy life as what you used to have while you were a student anymore, But, it is life...Nobody can change it.
I am living in the hotel at the moment, awaiting for the final confirmation from my boss...I am not going to NewChinaLife now..Insurance is too specific for me and I am not professional in this area at all. I have to start over everything again to gain the respect in this field. However, I might be able to go to the best law firm of the Country..and that might be the good point for me to revise all of my legal acknowledgment of this civil law system and the way to illustrate myself in the commercial competition.
Being a Lawyer is not easy, being a commercial lawyer is even harder than I can imagine~ lol....but anyway, I have to try!, and I am trying.... It has been such a long time since I updated my space last time. I am now struggling to put myself back to the track and get used to the life style I have to adopt here. It is December already~ Sigh! Time flies~ Seems I have to start a new job in Beijing before the end of the year. I hope it will be a good start for me at this connecting point. I couldn't low my requirements to meet the standard settled by my parents, but I have to admit the truth that I am not sophisticated enough to handle the piggybag on my shoulder alone at the time. I have to promote myself by accumulating work experience or maybe social experience. This world is much more complicated than what I can imagine. This becomes the QUOTE from my parents, and keeps whispering by my ear. OK, I am feeling bad now. I lose the first round in this battle, and I was kicked out from the field which I used to lead. This is not the place belong to my world. This is a completely brand new start for me again. I am outragerous. I am nearly out of control maybe due to the severe fear hidden in my heart. The fear of the new life that I may not be able to get in. The fear of the current relationship would be cut down as the long distance. The fear of being lonely in this crowded city full of skyscrapers. The fear of losing the last part of innocence I still posses. Or, maybe I am just a freak. I just wanna run away from the possible responsibilities once I start the job. The load is heavy, not only because ppl are watching at me, but also the self-restraince I have been giving to myself.
Being the one I want to be, is not easy...I knew it since I was young. But maybe I didn't expect that much to suffer before I can head up and celebrate for my success. Looking into the eyes of my parents, I know that I have to do my best without any potential failure which could be damnous. This might be the reason caused my insomnia during the ni ght. I couldn't wake up with smile even though the sun shine is just out there. Fresh Air, Castles in the FairyTales, I miss those days I was on my tour...I never felt alone, or maybe just a little bit before I fell asleep. I was happy, to see those natural beautiful sightseeings. I don't want to face to myself now....In the reality, What I can do?
Only in a few days, I will be the one. I know I have to behave, I know I have to be fully prepared. And I will....Yes, I will....so, just Watch me, and pray for me.....Beijing, I am coming.....I won't make you disappointed, my boss, I will be the best new MANAGER . Just trust me~~
Good Luck to Me.... I know that is the end of my old life since I arrived at Hong Kong airport yesterday....I did receive a lot of text messages from my friends from UK....I miss them all....I do....I don't know how to describe the feeling of leaving people that I care about...and starting a brand new life in another place I have no idea about....I just wanna say that something has changed, the place I used to be very familiar seems different in front of me at the moment...plus, the people I used to know become more complicated than I could imagine before....I think not only people from Fecx, a lot of things has changed including Him. Maybe it has been too long, or maybe I have changed as well. I don't know the actual reason why it happened like that....But I know that I m homeless now...nowhere to go, nobody to share my sorrow or happiness with....It is a brand new life..but I don't really enjoy it...I hate this place even more than UK...I m very homesick...missing my parents, missing my sisters, missing my families..they are the real ones who care about me, and I do really miss people from Birmingham, and UK .... I was very lucky to have friends like them....I appreciate all of these. I don't really deserve it. I know people don't have the responsibilities to treat you well....and they do.....or they did treat me very well....left so many sweet words on my mobile phone, which made me do NOT want to delete any message even though they are piping up to full! I do miss those people who was hanging out with me all the time...and those ladies who are just like my sisters....those guys who are just like my brothers..and someone who paid their passions on me...I do appreciate for all of these. even though sometimes I didnt really act in the same for return....I want to say thank you to all of them..but maybe it is too late to do anything...I will be here always as well.....guys....as what you have said, keep in touch and meet me up in China or HK...no matter where I gonna settle down and rooted at....You know I will be around to help and to hear...whenever you need me to be...
MayQ is my babe for all my life, I know it.....I miss her a lot...darling, please take care of yourself while I am away from you...you know I do appreciate for everything you have done for me...for every single accident you have been with me all the time whenever I need....I love you..more than I can say...I wish I could be by yourside all the time....even just to share everything I have got...You know you are my family...no matter in UK or somewhere else..
Julin.....my babe love...you are very sexy and perfect in figure.....I know you are unique and very cute in depth..even you do act sometimes as a mature sexy woman..but I know your innocence which makes me laugh all the time....love, babe...and keep it go...direct is your advantage~ don't give it up...I appreciate for every little help you have given to me...Thanks a lot, I do enjoy dancing with you...makes me feel HOT...not even by the sense of tempreture, you know what I mean~
YanYan...my sweet princess....I came across to several nice bags in TST.....and Mong Kok...very your style, you gonna love the shopping area in HK...so I gonna attract your attention by leaving you this...please do come back during xmas or summer time. No matter when I will be around for you...I really miss the time we spent together in Belgium, and Bruge...a lot of ppl envy me because I have been there with such a pretty girl....lol...Send my kiss to all of the other people please....I mean Jason, Yen..Maya.....and Kitty...they are really nice as well....I will always keep your guys presents safely...display them in front of my bed....you guys are so sweet...I love you alll.....
Dear Mi....lol....thanks a lot for being my best friend....I have heard about those 'accidents' happened on you which made me really worried about you...not even on the KUDO CAR SHOW day....but also that one happend while you were still a teenager...you are so brave to handle all of these.and calmly illustrate the process to us...You made me really admire you...dear honey.....you know no matter what had happened, it was passed already....and now you have us. We will always be by your side...babe....
I love you all !!! Goodbye..My friends...
Goodbye....UK 
Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face
You told me how proud you were but I walked away
If only I knew what I know today
I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done
Forgive all your mistakes
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To hear your voice again
Sometimes I want to call you but I know you won't be there
Oh...I am so sorry for blaming you....for everything I just couldn't do.
and I hurt myself....by hurting you.....
Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just want to hide 'cause its you I miss'
You know it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this
Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes and see you looking back
If I had just one more day....
I will tell you how much I missed you since you been away..
It's dangerous
It's so out of line to try to turn back time
I am so sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I have hurt myself badly.....
By hurting you..
Just came back from the Netherland, I can't believe what I have done in a few days....the visit was not even just to see my little Fish cutie, Incrediblly, I coinccidently watched NE-YO's live concert which I had missed this June when I was in China. Also, the city full of art and Sex...Amsterdam game me such impression of the wired combination and...I love it....Conflicts...!!! Super cool......
I stayed with Fish in Rotterdam, this city is quite modern rather than a tourist attarction. People in this city seem really busy and less concern since they rarely smile! I was just too lazy to update my space even though I have got a lot of stuff to share with friends. I got so many little cute stuff from a small shop in Den Haag...Apprently....Batman!! lol...I can't believe I still can't forget about those past..People may always think I am insane..nuts?1!!I don't really care...I shouted out his name loudly in the concert when Ne-Yo pointed to the sky and sang loudly 'So sick of love songs, so tired of tears, so down to wish she is still here...said I am so sick of love song, so sad and slow, why Can't I turn off the radio...." All of these made me out of tears again.....What hell is going on with me..I need to know was that just a broken heart or something...was that just a failure relationship....A ugly background on my love history or just an embarrased story about leave and goodbye? I don't know how many times I have to emphasis that I have already forgotten about him completely entirely and clearly....Maybe I shouted out so loudly just to make myself deaf, or maybe I just want to make people around me deaf. not hear my voice anymore, those voice from my heart....
So I am still alive these days....after tired tour...discover the whole city, whole country by myself....the last day I wondered in Amsterdam, was flirted and bothered by a lot of single guys who came to search some dates in another city....I don't know why it didnt make me sick badly this time. Maybe I now fully understand the meaning of being alone...the fear of being forgotten by the person who care about the most. I think he has.....or he even has put all of those memories behind his mind and will just consider it as a story happened long time ago with a sad ending. Ending...I feel painful even I just said that word....Can't believe it..HOW MUCH LOVE DID I PUT IT IN??????????????....nobody can tell me..even myself...
Have some problems with Czech republic embassy these days since they stupidly postponed my visa application and I almost couldn't have the chance to obtain the visa before my trip....the worst situation is I may not be possible to get it anyway even though I have been chasing for these for days and travelling between London and Birmingham almost everyday in the whole week....it makes me sick......or Maybe I should have appreciated it....keep my brain away from those bad things. and occupied it.....
London tomorrow....Visa tomorrow? Show girl tomorrow, .....Everything PeAcE tomorrow!! It has been a while since I last updated my space, So many things had happened to me, and I could not believe that I am still survived after these tragedies. lol....I should appreciate for the bless and sympathy God has given to me. I was in Leeds in these days with MayQ, the place is called Morley, the white rose shopping center. She works everyday so hard, All I can do is cooking for her, and driving her to work. I don't know since when I started being so over-care about her, and her life. What if there is no me, so many people had warned me about the probable consequences of this over-love...I had paid so much energy onto MayQ, will it do her any good or I was unconsciously doing something blemishing her self-concern and her ability to take care of herself??....she will not become a dependent., will she? She is a nice girl, I just can't stop loving her. I even don't know why. whether it is just because that we speak the same language and share the similar point of view of our hometown. lol....
Anyway, these days, When I cried loudly at the service on M1, I know I have no where to go in this country, and no where is really my home, except her....No matter where she is, magic! I can feel like going home everyday.....Even though where we live near her work place is just a new refurbrished apartment rent by her boss, it's kinda accommodation rather than home, However, I am so happy to enjoy the peace life sharing the time and happiness together, and work hard together, without any disturbance from outside. Am I too homo? lol....
Went to Ingleton waterfall with MayQ the other day, It was strongly recommended by several walking routes books, I had read the best drive British way and pick up this place near Kendal which was rarely refered by chinese people and other travel agencies, What I am really looking forward is to see how it is like, and discover somewhere by myself rather than blindly following someone's suggestion.
It was really nice place...everywhere..every sunshine through the heavy cloud becomes really cherished, I love the green grass grounds with a few cattles feeding around. I don't know how to use my limited vocabulory to discribe this painting. It was just glamorous.!!!!
The water fall actually reminds me about so many natural parks in China. I thought the kinda sight seeing were only existed in China. the smiliar view makes us always forget about we were actually walking inside the park belong to U.K. ... the only discrepency maybe the number of travellers we came across during our walk journey. actually, there were only 6 in total!!!! and all of them couples!!! over 40 yrs old!! Maybe the whole park was designed idealy for the retired people living in the village to do a daily exercise after dinner party.....
The biggest waterfall doesnt give me so much impression, but the views around the area makes me so amazed....U.K. is such a mystical place which makes me hate it and also love it. So many concurrency between the civilization and the naturalism in this country makes the whole society much more humaliation.
I will miss this place even though I am leaving soon, I decided not to go to Italy before I leave the country, I 'd rather take the car and travel around the place...lol..maybe It will be the best idea to do ..
Enjoy....concerts + Sight Seeing....UK....leaving tour...continues..
So Far Away......So Far Away too Far, Too Far Too Long....
But you know, I want it, I want you to stay....I need, I need you here to say......
Believe it....I believe it and let it go.....
Don't know why I have changed the type of music I am into dramatically, It was not supposed to be Rock or Pop or even dancing....I don't like 80's, I think so, or I should have said I hope so...But no matter what, I am really into the old style music at the moment. lol...crazy women..Went to Selfridge to change my belly bar yesterday, I can't believe I kept the original one on my body for so long, I mean I even dare not touch it. I changed a really stylish one wiv diamonds and silver shining on it. However, I feel its bloody heavy for my body, and I almost react like shaking the belly bar when I m walkin......Pheeee....so freak!
Got my passport and visa back from Belgium embassy yesterday morning from the post office near MayQ's place. God bless that officer who gave me for half a year schengen visa to fulfil my dream to travel around Europe!!!!! Super nice~~~man....I was thinkin about getting another chance to visit Italian embassy for my visa application, Now everything is sorted out!!!! Fascinating!!!! I love that guy...hahaahah...Btw, this visa is even longer than the validity of my passport which ll be expired on 23rd of Jan.....next year, hahahha....so lucky ....
What I can say.....Pretty gals always deserve better treatment...hahahhaha...........sorry sorry.....I made me sound so stupid.....lol..
MayQ is working very hard recently, we had some arguments before, and I think that was the first time we seriously had some problems wivv our friendship. I don't know why I love her so much, and care about her feeling like her parents~ Gosh, I must be mad or kinda abnormal thoughts due to some strange events which stimulated my minds...I started thinking about getting a job here in this country again...
Him is waiting for me in Beijing at the moment, He treats me so nice, and nearly perfect! I can't complain anything, and I know that I am a happy and lucky girl because I have him to take care of me. His mother called me the other day, talking about getting me a business visa to go to Hong Kong after Him finishes his language course. I don't know what to say, I appreciate for all of these, and I might need to go to HongKong soon before I head back home to sign some documents for my business visa. .... Travel. leaving, departure...farewell. I don't know what these changes could affect my life, I only know that I am changed as well. by the time, by the world, by the facts I came across, and by some sentiment hurts me badly all the most before.
I will forget about those bad days, I keep on reminding myself, I am happy to be a bitch, and please call me a bitch, I am a bitch, so bloody what?! ( quote from James) No matter what happend to my life, I think I am fine, I will handle all of these just like what I have acted and performed as. No artificially pretended face, no dramatic conflicts between the real me and the outlook, I don't think I am getting better with handling the relationship between people, and I don't think I am getting more sophiscated to deal with people and those network, I just know that I am happy to protect those people I love, I am happy cause I am not selfish anymore, I am happy cause I know what I have done are what a lot of people want to do but feel hestitated to do so...
So......I am satisfied..by myself, and that is what I really want to.....Of course, I am not mature enough, and I may change someday when I found it is too difficult for me to take the consequence, But at least, for now, I am fine with it!!! 
With the nice tunes and charming sunshine, we landed at zurich airport with golden lights on our back. I think I can't really remember all of the scenes when I visited zurich last time about two years ago. I attended Erica's wedding party here. She married Robin.. a lucky american smart guy. However, I came here with a peace heart and another kind of status. I miss my family, and quite stressed about the future. I don't really know where I am heading to from here, and all of these became so vague as I almost lost my direction. Unfaithful life is not desiable, that is prabably why I kept my self over-stressed and holiday becomes crucial to save my over-streched mental-line.
Zurich launches into my eyes with a bit heated air and busy traffic during the weekend, I stayed in the Marriort hotel rated at five stars!! That was the deal I made by using the hotel voucher...hahaha...feel so self-successiful.....haha....All of the days included breakfirst and welcome drink, and even airport shuttle.....What a big deal!!
Went to the top of Europe, and the mountain with dragon myth called M. Pilatus....that place was so amazing, I mean I took the trip called golden round, and it was so geniously designed for those travellers wanna discover something different hiden in this country. Switzchland is so beautiful and always shining among those countries who are struggling to keep theimselves out of the international conflicts in this unstable period. I love here, the enviornment and the nice scene..snow mountains, and nice lakes, and even those small cottage make me so exciting...I miss the small town I visited during thert it over eastern holiday in Austria called Innsbrucks...I hope I can have the chance to visit there again. Maybe I can?
..TrAVEL.....I really want to .......start it over again and again....
BITCH ????
I suddenly found out the reason why I like the word of being a 'BITCH'....I think so many people are curious about this...Now I am trying to explain the reason by having some real eloquent quotes~!!! So just check them out and enjoy of being a bitch~~~
- "The first idiotic quick fix of the summer that springs to mind is ABC's "How to Get the Guy" (10 p.m. Mondays) -- a show that would more accurately be called "How to Get A Guy, Any Guy" or better yet, "How to Cast a Great, Big, Wide Net Like the Soulless, Whoring Sea Donkey That You Are.""
-- Heather Havrilesky (From her Salon.com article "I Like to Watch")
-- Natalie P.
-- Bette Davis
-- Margaret Fuller
-- Princess Diana
-- Ani DiFranco
-
"Couldn't, wouldn't, mustn't, shouldn't - these are the laments of the spineless. I can and I will, but not because I must or I should!"
-- Vicki B.
-- Tracy Smith
-- Rear Admiral Dr. Grace Murray Hopper
I have finally woke up from the nightmare, I wanna thank all of my friends who care about me and chill me up when I am so depressed..Time moves fast......This time I don't really wanna write anything frustrating and sorrow since I feel nothing like that anymore...Good sign???If my brother can actually see this.....God be with you all the time....I hope you will be fine.....
And BTW....MayQ...I love you...
Drunk? Hang Over? Hurt? Painful? Heart broken?
Got drunk last night in PadThai.....So many hours I feel my stomach so hurt like there is a burning fire within it.....I can't really remember what had happened to me last night, what bad words I have ever said to my friends or myself, What strange behave I have ever done to break my heart again.....I had so many shoots...Its the first time I really want to make myself drunk like I want to find a way to survive....If it is the operation I meant to take at the first place...Why my heart still hurts like it did nothing effective to me at all....Failure? or I was too hurt to be healed by only one operation?
He left....yesterday afternoon. Flied from Heathrow airport under the light of terror attack crisis...My heart was taken away from that minute as well, I know what I have been struggling so hard to forget about was never vanished even just a small piece from my mind. I have been waiting for his back for so long time....Even sometimes it is hopeless.....I know that I am dying because I have no other sentiment to share with anyone in the world. I k now I kept on hurting people who care about me and I know that I had made some many people worried about me..I am selfish...selfish enough to be in love with him still....after 6 months....7 months...or maybe the time is no the problem.....I know that I will never be able to work it out....even though I have tried my best to....
Cried out so many times through the night.....I had made myself sick of being so weak as well.......People are getting used to my sorrow heart since I know I have been down for so long time.....So what? I still wanna say I am hurt..I am hurt..I am fucking hurt.........or maybe the only solution is to become a real bitch, and therefore I can forget about those theories I have been under and the price I have paid for it.....How many times I want to explosure myself in front of him and ask him to hurt me badly, and badly....How many times I have to stand in front of the public naked, and ask people to torture me without any symphacy.......I hate this world.....I hate love....I hate myself for being so stupid....I hate.....I LOVE......I LOVE...HIM.........SO MUCH than I can imagine.......Long Distance...yes, here we go....its the real time to bring this tune out since.....lol...I am seperated geographically....
Forget to say thank you for the people who chill out with me last night, Thank you for those guys who accompanied with me when I was being stupid...Thank you for people who tried their best to comfort me...Thank you for those people who gave me encourage, thank you for those people who made so much criticise for me, thank you for those people who let me know the truth..thank you for those people who care about me....I love you all.......forever.....and truely, deeply seriously......in my heart.....
Sorry, if I ever have hurt you before....Please forgive my cruelness since it is not what I am at the beginning...Please smile to me if you can give me a chance to make it up at all.. Please take my breathe away if you want to stop my life according to your hatre.....I am misled by my heart when I said I want to hurt everyone nearby.....I want to bring light to my friends rather than taking them pain....
For those who were hurt by me before....I confess....I know that I am not a gentel girl who can easily trust in anybody even though you have given your hearts to me...I penance...that I should have spoken out my true affection and sentiment..I should have not cheated or lied to anyone who cares about me....I should not have smiled to the people I don't really fall in love with. ... If I ever hurt you badly.....that is because I am so afraid and coward of being myself....that is because I don't really want to admit my weakness..I am so scared of being the loser since it is really hurt....not only embarrassed.....Nowadays.....people getting crazy of falling love with strangers...they lied they had the feeling of each other at the first sight..all of the relationship was built upon something virtual....they never ever existed before at all. All I have seen keep reminding me that no true love in the world.....The only way to protect your heart in another country is....never fall in love with anyone.....I was punished before when I broke the rule and pulled myself out for someone I really love....then everyone can see what happened to me thereafter....I became very weird and abnormal.....just one call can make me cry out of tears easily and loudly in front of so many people...just like nobody.....What hell is that then.....No one wanna be like a fool...and I am always the fool in relationship....I just wanna cut it up and commerce another new life style....What's wrong with that? I love him....I love him...but I hurt myself badly, I forced me so many sleepless nights since I broke the heart into two....Whatelse?.....How many times I have to suffer the lonely cold night with hugging my pillow tight.... How can I still believe in the myth that the true love will bring enjoyment and happiness to the people and light up her life with hope ....
 Bewitched 
It was probably too late to watch the film named 'BeWitched' stared by Naomi....Incidently, I watched this film with Tyler when we were having lunch today...I don't know what happened.....I bursted to tears again....When the witch lied on her father's leg and asked where is the witchcraft to stop crying .... I can't control myself anymore......I know the whole lot of words were indicating me.....and exactly the same feeling that I pretended to have got away from for so long.... However, I think I am wrong....All the time I was trying my best to forget about something, I can't make it so simple and easy....Maybe....I never be able to figure it out at all even though it has been passed for ages....Half a year is not a short period, is it? I tried so hard to comfort myself that I have done it........Have I? Have I ever forgot about him at all????
MayQ 生日快樂
8月11號，我最可愛的獅子，在伯明翰的日子裏，很多時間我都真的只想和你一起分享。有人說，愛情真得很傷人，那是因爲彼此之間有過付出，而其實我覺得友情也一樣，只要付出了，都會彼此去珍惜。所以我們就象拍拖了2年一樣，走過的每一個足跡，我都會清楚地記得。你的每一個笑容，每一件遒事，每一次生氣，每一滴眼淚，都有我們共同的記憶。無論曾經經過的是好還是坏，我知道我們都希望對方是幸福的，快樂的。你的生日，我不知道應該為你做些什麽。就要分別的季節，每一次見面都顯得特別的珍貴。數者就要離開的日子，很多不捨得。。。好像我們之間有很多東西已經不用説明白，就已經永遠在這裡。你的善良和骨子裏的溫柔，我會永遠記得，因爲它讓我感動，也讓我看到自己有多麽的渺小。我最單純的獅子，你是一個永遠的閃耀的星。在我們共同的天空裏。我想說，我很喜歡你。 我們生活的地方，我們出生的地方，我們曾經擁有的夢想，都有著共同的一點，我們在乎的東西彼此都能看得見，有眼淚的時候，我會想握住你的手，因爲我知道你的弱小的肩膀有著無窮的力量，可以撐起我的軟弱和不夠堅強。 我會原諒你的粗心大意，就像你從來都不會介意我的任性和坏脾氣，不論將來的道路有多難，不論我們身邊會出現什麽樣的人，發生什麽樣的事情，我知道我們永遠都會stick together...每年都有不同的變化，這就是生活。而希望你的生活，也會永遠充滿了無憂無慮的笑容。。。 還記得和你一起唱的歌，還記得和你開車escape的每一天，還記得你在我車上慢慢地睡着，還記得我們總是說招很粗魯的笑話。還記得我在你懷裏哭到沒有力氣，還記得我們一起穿者很bitch的school uniform大聲地笑者叫者。。這些所有的一切我都不會忘記，我知道我們的未來有很多時間，很多東西都需要我們的努力，但是現在我只是想告訴你，這幾天，這幾年，
有你，真好。。。。 我的朋友。...
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